trusting people is hard, luckily there are other people for that

so, in my previous post i had mentioned my housemate. there has been some progress in that area, although in the wrong direction.

you know how it is. you have someone in your life whom you consider to be a pretty decent person, who annoys you and has a whole bunch of faults, but all in all... you know that he's all right deep inside. and then he does something that makes your opinion of him fall to the level of "poor, pathetic human-like creature". the point where you wish you could hate him, but all that comes out is headache and pity.

i really wish i could hate him. but i've settled for just not talking to him. at all. admittedly, it's not always easy. sometimes he mubbles something that i assume was directed to me and im tempted to ask him what he said... but, nvm. whatever it was, it probably wasn't worth it.

at this point you may start wondering what the heck that poor dude did to me (except all those small but weird and intrusive things then). well, he canceled my renting contract because i'm "not social enough".

you know, up until now i've lived in this weird world where people wanted the following from their renters / housemates:
- rent paid on time
- keeping place clean
- no loud music / orgies / dirty socks on the floor in living room or bathroom / parties in da house

i guess i was wrong. guess what, you also have to be social. like, answer a questionnaire during dinner, mandatory eating dinners together, playing boardgames in weekends..... you know, all that weird stuff you only do with your family on holidays, you are supposed to do with a complete stranger.

although admittedly, i do feel very hurt and betrayed by what has happened. i have told my housemate a bit about my mother and since we were acquitanced before i rented a room from him, i really had no idea that he would do to me same thing she did to me. and it hurts a lot. he just stabbed me in an open and most painful wound. it had taken me so much courage to rely on him and trust him enough to live with him in same house, to depend on him like that. and my judgement was proven to be horrible wrong.

looking back, i wonder how i could have missed the signs that in reality i would never be welcome here. that all he wanted was not a housemate and income from rent, but a girlfriend or at least a dog. that he is loonely and doesn't realize that the reason why he doesnt have any friends is because he cannot accept that other people are not how he wants them to be.

i truely feel like a fool. for awhile, it had hurt so much that i had closed myself off again and was wondering if the pain was really worth it. why trust others if all it does is giving them weapons to hurt you more?

but you know, i'm not alone like i used to be when i still lived with my mother. it's amazing actually. i have talked to so many people about this: some professors, classmates, my client Theo, Theo's nurses, my family, my best friends (Tani, Natasha and Valentina), my other friends, my pen-palls, the security guys and girls at the uni... and so many of them have offered to help me look for an apartment of my own, or at least a decent students room to rent. so many of them were angry for my sake.

it's really nice to be loved like that.

as for a new place to live, im currently looking into apartments in Tilburg and Eindhoven. i still have a half year remaining before i graduate, but untill then i can only rent social rent apartments or student rooms. after i get a job (which i hope won't be too hard with 2 master degrees), i might need to move anyways. also, my earnings will immediately enable me to rent normal apartments as well. :3

and my friends and familly in russia have send me another care-package. i really cant wait till it arrives xD

... half a year later

tadaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

tbh, i stopped updating blog because i got FaceBook.... so now i deleted FB (bad case of disappointment) and its time to update the blog! ... no i totally lie. just something totally amusing happened today. amusing for me at least.

i wish i could say that in half a year time my life went to "omg awesome", but that seems to be only happening on movies and anime. i now rent a room from a guy with ADHD, autism (those are my personal idea's of what could possibly explain his behavior), a bad case of being-born-in-a-village, an even worse case of got-to-buy-this-to-impress-the-girls and a severe burglars-paranoia.

the last item will be the topic of today.

you see, my housemate will assume that i'm a burglar if i come home at any time other than after 23:20. which is quite annoying. especially when he creeps up on me and then acts totally surprised and asks "what are you doing here? o___o". to which all i can do is reply "i live here? o_o;;;;"
i now took the habit of hanging my keys outside my door, to prevent my housemate from listening at my door for burglar-noises.

but!

he might in fact not be that far off from the truth!

you see, today i've forced my entry into someone's home. without their permission. with the cooperation of their neighbour though. and it was Theo's own fault he didn't lock the backdoor. nothing was stolen and no police was called, but everyone (except the owner Theo himself and his dog Simba who didnt seem to care at all) was equally freaked out. i think Theo's gf now also has burglar-paranoia. but let me start at the beginning.

a few months ago i took a 2nd part-time job as an alpha-help. that is just a fancy word for a cleaner. i clean houses for people who cant do it themselves anymore and who got an alpha-help assigned to them by the government (for max of 6h per week).

my 1st customer was a horrible lady, and she fired me 2 days after i quit (i wanted to tell her that i quit in person). thanks to her i now have my 1st experience of being fired. since everyone gets fired at least once in their life-time, i'm really happy! i mean, my experience wasn't that horrible. i mean, it was pretty humiliating and insulting, but it wasn't as bad and devastating as i thought it'd be. so, being fired => done!

then i got an email where some dude was looking for a temp replacement for his alpha-help, who had fallen ill. i took the chance and replied. that's how i met Theo (and now i'm seriously sad that i'll prolly have to stop there in a month, cuz his old alpha-help is comming back. but, good for her! Rita, stay healthy or i'll come steal ur customer! >;3). Theo is old, can't walk, has some serious old-age-illnesses and a cute dog Simba. i come clean his place and have some tea twice per week and get paid pretty well (like, 25% more than i'd earn working at a restaurant).

so today i came to clean at Theo's again. i rang the bell, but there was no reply. i waited and rang the bell again. and again. and again. NO REPLY!!!!! i looked inside through the window, but i couldnt see anyone. the lights were off too. Simba was lazying around on the couch. he didn't seem as worried as i was. not even a bit.

at that point, i started to panic. what if Theo had a heart-attack and was lying in the yard? or somewhere i couldn't see?

and then i had a convo with myself and it went like this (well, not literally with myself, but u get what i mean...)

- OMFG!!! Theo is dying!!!! i must save him!!!!!
- dun be silly, he prolly went to buy sigaretts o.o
- but what if he didnt? he knows i should come here at 12;00!!! D:
- ... ._. but what can i dooooo?
- O_O call 112! (emergency number)
- :/ im going to look like a real fool if it's nothing
- he might be dying!!!!!!!!!
- wait! maybe the neighbors have seen something! O_O

Theo's neighbor turned out to be a really nice non-western guy with a pet-chicken ._.;
i feel really bad for corrupting really nice immigrants with pet-chickens :/
as an immigrant, i should at least not be like: o____o; chicken. hmmm... hey, it's so soft!!! :D

so then i swore to be a good human being and stuff o_o and the neighbour was also like: OMFG!!!! Theo is dying!!!! let's go save him!!!!!!!

so we climbed over the fence in the backyard, found the backdoor unlocked and then i called Theo's gf Miranda from his housephone (i didnt have the number, but it was saved on the phone). turned out that Theo was at her place. she had some workers over, but she had to go to work... so she asked him to babysit them ._. and they tried to call me, but apparently my number was wrong (digit missing).

so now its like this:

Theo: ^___^
Neighbour: O__o sorry. i'm glad to see ur ok Theo.
Theo's gf: o__o how the hell did they get in again? wth D:
me: D: i almost died from worrying myself! what if i had to reanimate u?!?
Simba (dog): ^______^ *no worries in the world*

o.o; 

writing stuff

hey all! i'm back! anyone missed me? =p

ah wells. i might have gotten a few days older since the last update, but titles of posts still prove to be challenging. how do people manage to give their posts meaningful titles anyways? its a pretty good skill.

i don't think that i've told this yet, but awhile ago i've joined a philosophy group on LinkedIN. i'm mostly using it to read other people's opinions now, since often when i post something, i get into a fight with someone. why can;t we all get along?

a comment made by someone on highly dangerous "who is philosopher here anyways? i got more degrees than you, bish" topic (very useful to understand philosophical society better) caught my attention:

"I have been thinking along a similar line myself recently regarding what makes one a philosopher. I formally study Philosophy as a BA major only, but I am a continual student of philosophy in my personal ongoing studies and life. I just recently have had the desire to write a book of philosophy (which is as surprising to me as anyone) and at first had Asger's skeptism. 'I have no PhD in Philosophy, no faculty appointment, no publications ... what right have I to write a book about "Why?" and give my own, 'nobody' answer? 

But more recently I am leaning in the other direction (and perhaps the question is "Why not?"). What 'permissions or authority' did Socrates have or Shakespeare? Not that I am claiming to be so talented, but I also am decidedly choosing now to not rule out the possibility. There had to have been a point at which Socrates was just some Greek kid with strong opinions, and Will was just a guy without a job.

I love to write (and to argue, which must be one of the essential of being a philosopher) and the most original story I have to tell, or have yet to tell, is my one hard-won answer to the big "Why?" It is just my answer, not studied or learned or copied ... though certainly influenced ... and shouldn't that be the way of the true philosopher vs. the student of philosophy?" - posted by Kate Chen.

and i was like: o__o wth, i want this too!

i mean, one of the attractions of teaching for me is the simple fact that most of my professors suck so badly at it. just looking at some of them makes wanna say "uhm.. how about i teach this instead? i'm pretty sure that with a few hours of preparation i can do this so much better than you. who made a zombie like you professor anyways?". 

but lets face it. as long as i stay in the netherlands, i'll never teach at an university. i don't plan to get a doctorate degree and become a researcher. i wan't to be a teacher. research is for people who prefer to stick with theories, instead of applying those to their own life and trying to become a better person. it's for people who escape from reality rather than living it. its for people like me, now that i think about it.

hmmm... that's actually quite bad. even my landlord told me that i'm so timide that he's geniunly worried about me. i'm not really worried, it takes me a few days to be seen as part of the furniture of any place. okay, i lied there. i'm now quite worried. i mean, if even my landlord says stuff like that now... erm. right. he has a point kinda.

in any case, Kate makes a pretty damn good point. why don't i do a thing? i wanted to write a textbook once. why don't i? i know it'll be a total waste of my time, since it'll never be published, nobody will read it, or much worse.. will read it and write a review about it saying stuff like "the writer clearly lacks life-experience and is incapable of careful reading of the subject matter before making a total fool of herself. who made an idiot like that a writer anyway?". but... now i'm wasting my time playing online games (i'm on Eden Eternal now! aquamarine server! ;D feel free to say hi there!). at least writing stuff is usually an exercise for the brain. 

yes, i love playing online games cause there, efforts do pay off. in real life, that's hardly ever the case. there isnt any "yay! i've reached lvl 37!!!!!! ;D" or "omg, skill upgrade. i'm gonna pwn everything now! ;D" in it. it's just "oh, i've passed hermeneutics. no more ricouer till september at least. moving on to writing my thesis...."

but well, why not? in the worst case, i'll learn something. just yeah, it's scary and all.


PS: BBC is totally a bish, blocking non-uk viewers from their iplayer thing. i want to watch the apprentice uk when it's being broadcasted too!

self-help books and so on.

let's face it. i'm one of those easily impressed and very very risk-avoidant people. which is why i have a tendency of listening to self-help books, be very impressed by them, try to implement something and then forget about it awhile later. somehow this doesn't stop me from liking them a lot, since you know what? why making same mistakes everyone else has ever done? why not just be smart, listen to a book and skip them?

sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

well, that's the theory. there's also a practice. which turned out to be a chat with Quincy (who's also a practising psychologist, so i guess that makes him more of an expert than the rich americans writing self-help books) who simply said:

"i'm not sure if all those self-help books are good for you Olia. they seem to strengthen all your biases and make you accept yourself even less instead". guess what, Alain de Botton (philsopher!) says pretty similar thing here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zN2PxJdiB8Y&feature=related

in a way, i suppose its true. i mean, hearing about how i'm supposedly able to double my income, make tons of friends, get rid of this feeling of loneliness and alienation and find some meaning in my life and all of it within 3 years (!) makes me feel like... well, i have a lot to fix about myself.

but! in 3 years i'll be happy. seems like quite a long time. so i was reading a manga called Aria (highly reccomended to those of you who read manga) and it posed a pretty valid question to me:

why not be happy now?

it's rather hard to explain, but being happy turns out to be less complicated than i've expected. i dont worry anymore about doing certain things "to improve myself". or trying to remember all the things the self-help book has suggested that i should be practising. or the fact that i've not discovered the meaning of life yet. or that i'm too serious, too blunt, too honest, not as good at reading long complicated philosophical texts as i'd wish to.

instead i'm trying to follow a single advice of a character in Aria manga: enjoy everything you do.

it's really hard, but not impossible like i thought. and it does make me happy. its not complicated like the advices from the self-help books and blogs. it's something i can actually do.

and for some reason, i'm not worried about the future anymore. i don't know why, because i feel that i should be. i'm used to worrying about my future. but somehow, i'm not. this heavy feeling, it just isnt there anymore.

why Olia ForeverAlone is better than Olia Fjodorowa

before we begin our epic tale of comparing 2 people (one of which does not exist beyond the kb's on my hdd) i need to clarify something. a friend of mine told me that when people suddenly disappear from being online (like me abandonning my blog for almost a month again) that means either:

1. RL is going very crappy

2. RL is going very good.

let's be frank, #1 is not a valid option cause if that were the case, u'd hear about it 1st. i complain too much, that's the reality of things. too much for my personal taste. compared to americans, i do not complain nearly enough. so, good for you that i'm not an american or you'd not be reading this blog! (this prejudice is based on observations during my 1 trip to USA btw)

#2 is very unlikely, unless something extreme happends when i'm drunk (i've never been drunk yet, but i know that being tipsy just makes me uninterested in everything and sleepy. but hey, you never know!). or i dunno. i get a sudden personality change? 

so me not updating my blog usually means any of the following:

- i found an interesting game to play [ignoring reality!]

- im reading a book[ignoring reality!]

- i'm out of books to read so i'm re-reading all my fav books [ignoring reality!] <- this is what happened this time.

- i remembered that i should be studying [ignoring reality! DESPERATELY!] <- while this is a daily occurrance (i'm a pretty good student), sometimes exams butt in.

- i'm just not feeling very social [ignoring reality!]

in case you haven't noticed, me and reality seem to have a slightly pained relationship. i mean, just cause its there, it doesnt mean that it deserves more attention than minimum, right? (in case you are worried now, i'm exegorating. you never know. some people reading this could be mothers.)

now to go to main topic...

Olia ForeverAlone is my character in Sims 3 (which i've downloaded illegally, cause i cant really afford the game. well, to say it better, i'm trying to save up for my future apartment here. and i've promised myself that i'll stop being such an immoral pirate once i'll actually have a full-time job). Olia Fjodorowa is obviously me. i sometimes think that it'd be great to change places.

it's not even because my char in sims is famous, has a big house (omg o_O), a pond in her garden (OMG!!!! O_O want!!!!), pretty awesome skills (>_< aw man!), an interesting job (O_O why can't i be a digital persona as well?!? i want to have a meaningful live too damnit!), an awesome wife (cause all men in town are retards. why i can't be bi in real life as well? >_> stuck with men. damn) and even a nice step-daughter (ugly kid, but i like her anyways).

oh and Olia FA has friends, despite her last name and she's immortal (duh o_o).

well, i don't need immortality (pretty boring, that), nor riches and general silly stuff. but i do wish that i indeed were a sims character pretty often. because lets be honest, Olia FA totally owns me. and let me tell you why.

Olia FA has absolute confidence in her abilities and the future. she's a hopeless optimist. don't know how to fish? no problem! practice will teach you everything you need! and then she just heads to the nearest pond and starts fishing. it doesnt work 1st, but she's patient and after several hours she gets better at it. mechanics? you learn most by doing! she isn't afraid that she'll fail, or look like a complete retard by trying. no, her motto is "everything that deserves to be done well, deserves to be done badly at 1st". she doesn't give up nor get discouraged.

while Olia (me) .... well, lets say that after years of "education", i still feel like i know nothing and can do nothing as well. i don't know what my skills are, nor where my strengths or weaknesses lie, because i avoid everything that is new and devaluate myself when it comes to the old.

which brings me to the next point. Olia FA never devaluates herself or her knowledge. she has knowledge bars. she knows what she knows and she takes strength from that fact. she's proud of what she knows, while im ashamed of what i do not know. i might as well start soliciting for a cleaner's job. i'm too insecure to do anything else. hell, i'd probably read 20 books on how to clean 1st before looking even for that job o_o;;;;;

Olia FA is not discouraged by failure even the slightest. tv exploded due to ur repairing skills? well, shit happends. let upgrade to a better one~! Olia at the other hand, experiences every failure as being close to the end of the world. late for an appointment? OMG i've just waisted 3 munites of someone's LIFE! O_O 

Olia FA is not afraid of approaching people and striking a conversation about anything. at all. Olia is just standing at side-lines when her housemate encounters a friend in supermarket and tries to look like part of the furniture. well, at least i look pretty. pretty furniture.

Olia FA knows that humans are not perfect. everyone makes mistakes and even good friends are at times complete retards. thats why they arent same as you. Olia starts to suspect treason.

Olia FA knows that friendships need to be maintained and tries to call 1 friend per day or at least invite someone over. Olia considers her phone to be an mp-3 player that is so advanced that it can show time!

Olia FA goes out to bars, cause she knows that dancing makes her happy. Olia only goes out when she's invited by her housemate Rasa and can attempt to hide behind her in a bar. i mean, there are like, people there o_o must defend my private space!!!!!

Olia FA can talk to others in a bar. Olia becomes instantly deaf.

hell, Olia FA knows what makes her happy (she got like, wishes!). Olia has a vague suspeshion that chocolate makes her happy.

Olia FA has a life-goal, while Olia... well, i'll get back to this eventually o_____o;;;;;

all in all, i think that the above points explain why my digital character is more successful at life than i am. this by no means makes me sad. it's actually funny how much you can learn from carefully playing a game like that. although having truth giving you a kick between your eyes isnt a very pleasant feeling, this i can say with certainty: 

i'm not perfect and i have a long road to go to become a kind of person i want to be (starting with figuring out what kind of person exactly that'd be), but i'll get there. pretty soon too, i expect. because im no fool. i know where my weaknesses are and that is my biggest strength. the rest, that all can be fixed in due time :3

economic decision-making or why our universities are only teaching bullshit

i'm pretty sure that if you are going to an university with an economic department, it also has an economic research center. at my university, its CentER, the now i think deceased TULIP and a bunch of others. CentER is the one that i occasionally have to deal with since they are the ones who "own" the research lab in the basement of the C-building with all the fancy equipment and have a bunch of Phd students who are desperate to find someone to participate in an experiment.

if you have ever decided to earn some money by being a test-subject in an economic experiment, i'm pretty sure that you have experienced exactly same thing.

over and over again.

you do an experiment where you have 3 options. the form of the experiment varies, so do the outcomes but you always have those essential 3 options (economists can't think of anything more innovative to do than testing those 3 over and over again for like, 30 years now?):

1. you co-operate and so does everyone else, and you are frigging rich!

2. you are being an asshole and so is everyone else, and you are poor. and an asshole.

3. you are a leeching asshole who does not co-operate when everyone else does, you get rich over the bodies of other people (if you have a job in business setting, this should sound familiar to you. its a shame that killing your co-workers is a crime, or a pay-raise would be so much easier to achieve! ... good thing i don't work in business. but you also see same in environmental pollution and stuff, who cares that cause you like watching tv some people in bangladesh die? there are too many of them there already. should just die faster, so that environmentalists will stfu, right? o_o lets drop a nuke there, will be more humane!)

i'm rather conscious of the environment yes, how did you ever guess? O_o
(so, don;t forget to turn off the lights and ur pc when ur not using it D: )

anyways, in the end it doesn't really matter how the experiment is designed. it doesnt really matter if you are stuck in a group of people who chose 1, 2 or 3. because a group of people who all chose 1 and a group of people who all chose 2 or 3 have in fact one thing in common.

that one thing is called: THE LAST TURN.

it's something that is even taught in class and in fact, i really doubt that anyone who ever sat in those experiments has not heard of it. also, i've never met anyone else except me who seems to have truly understood what the last turn really means and i'm actually feeling a lot better thinking how my actions completely confuse the people running the experiment.

the allmighty and widely accepted theory of the last turn is as follows: even in a group of people who co-operate the whole time, there will be a last turn. during that last turn, or game round, co-operating will not give raise to positive reputation and since you are actually logically always better off being an asshole, you should be an asshole.

and yes, in every experiment i've ever participated, the last round was a round that everyone except me was an asshole in. i'm always losing money in that round, but since it is expected, it doesn't even bother me any more.

now let me explain to you what the theory of the last round really means and what our universities do not bother to teach the students:

1. firstly, every philosopher knows that there is no such thing as "the last round". because if you expect everyone else to be an asshole in game round 25, then you should be an asshole in game round 24 when everyone else still co-operates (strategy #3, highest pay-off for you!). this will logically go all the way to round 1 if you think about it. of course, most economists are not familiar with this argument so they are still nice in the 1-round-before-the-last-round. really, i'd say it's faulty teaching. if you are not going to use your brains and just going to follow blindly what uni tells you, at least try to obtain complete information first.

2. and then also, what exactly does it mean if you are being an asshole in the last round? what happends in fact is that you have an agreement "let's all co-operate and get most money from this" and then you decide to break that agreement and break the trust that other people have placed in you. in fact, you betray them. even if you'll never see them again, that does not change who you actually are: a traitor and an untrustworthy person. your actions show your true self.

of course, the university does not bother to include point #2 into its economics course, so all that the students are being taught is "it is logical to betray others and not meet agreements when it gives you highest short-term pay-off".

maybe it's time to teach children and young adults about the meaning of their choices, rather than the way to instant satiesfaction no matter what cost?
and speaking about costs, do you still think that university degree is really worth so much?

being alive

for the past two days, i've been watching an asian drama online: One Litre Of Tears. it's based on a true story of a 15yo girl that gets the same disease that Stephen Hawkin has. she lives till she was 25.

but this post isnt going to be about the drama, although i'd definetly reccomend it to you (you can find it on youtube or on mysoju with english subs). its also not going to be about how horrible such diseases are and how cruel the fate can be.

no, instead i'd like to say something else.

she was lucky.

the drama is based on the diaries she kept untill she could no longer write at all. and in one episode, the girl in question, Aya says "i'm alive". i don't remember exactly why she said, or what exact meaning it had. the drama is full of hidden lessons and beautiful moments. but that's not the reason why i cant remember it exactly, or why that one sentence has stuck in my mind.

she's dying. and yet she's alive. i wanted to laugh hysterically when she said that.

not because it sounded silly or anything like that. not because i pitied her, because i didn't. not because i did not understood why she said it, because i think i can understand it rather well.

no, because it was the bitter truth. she was alive. and i'm not. yes, biologically alive, but never as alive as she was. she was dying of an incurable disease. i too suffer from an incurable disease, but it does not impact my life very much. in fact, i'd say i'm rather healthy. and yet, she's alive like i'm not.

it felt unfair, that people who appreciate life and are capable of living it to the fullest are the ones without the opportunity to do so. or maybe its because they cannot take life for granted, that they truly enjoy it.

i was 6 years old when i saw the starry sky for the last time. really saw it. laying on my back in the grass and looking at the stars, thinking about how amazing the world actually is. i don't remember thinking that the world is in any way amazing ever since.

if i were to be hospitalized for the rest of my life tomorrow, would i miss the sky? i dont know. i don't know what colour the sky was today. i don't know if leaves have already sprouted, although i did go out today.

and yet, if i think about "what if i lose it all tomorrow? what would i do today?" then pretty much all i can come up with is "play sims some more". i don't even feel like playing DOMO much now. i mean, there are like, real humans you could encounter there. who'd want to deal with those?

am i alive, Aya?